DISCLAIMER: This is another humorous anti journalism post so if this sort of thing offends you, then go somewhere else.
This just in… You are going to die! The H1N1, Swine Flu is taking over the world and you have less than a zero chance of survival. Hug your children and bow before the great Obama for your healing. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has reported that one out of every one people will contract this deadly disease and will likely suffer a slow and painful death. There is no hope and you are going to suffer miserably. Let’s go to our Washington correspondent for an update on how things are in the nations capital.
Thank you Bob… The scenes in the nations capital are grim and likely to get worse. This disease has shown itself to be racist and homophobic while black homosexuals seem to be the most affected. Stop for moment and realize that if our legislators had shown courage early and passed hate crimes legislation, this would never have happened. It is bad enough that these individuals are suffering but to know that because of the color of their skin and their sexual orientation they are being piled upon making this even worse. The world is an evil place Bob and I am afraid that anarchy is not a strong enough word to describe the pandemonium that has ensued upon our nations capital. Back to you Bob…
Thanks Eugene… It is a site that we have not seen since the Republicans won both houses of Congress in 1994. With that, I would like to see how Frank is holding up in Massachusetts. Frank… how are things in the nations birth place? Eugene, I am afraid that it is worse than ever. Barney Frank, our senator has been attacked for his sexual orientation but because he is not black, he has been spared the worst of it. There are people dying in the streets like cock roaches. I cannot stress enough that your child may be at risk. In all my years of journalism I have never been exposed to such horror since Ronald Reagan won the presidency with 49 states. I feel tears bubbling up… Back to you Eugene…
Frank…why did you have to mention Ronald Reagan? Now I have tears in my eyes. Pull yourself together and get a tissue! Cough Cough… Onto another story… It has been discovered that gun owners and pro lifers seem to be healthier than others. Word has been floating around certain circles that it is in fact conservatives that are spreading this disease. We are just reporting the news and have no agenda at all. To recap on tonight’s story, if you are a non conservative, black homosexual, or any other minority, you are going to die a slow death from a disease perpetrated by conservatives. We report, you decide. Now onto more positive news. You are going to die from H1N1 because white heterosexual males are hiding tens of millions of vaccines. There is no hope and you are going to die.
Ha ha ha ha ha… Now over to meteorologist Benjamin Netanyahu… Thank you Eugene… There seems to be a storm that is approaching that will kill millions of Arabic people. This storm has been responsible for the deaths of nearly every Arabic person as it approached the Seattle area. This mysterious storm seems to be killing its victims by surgically striking them with lightning. On a given street full of white males and two Arabic people, it seems that both Arabs are likely to be hit while the white males are spared. Women and children, and the elderly seem to be the most affected. It is a sad sight seeing the dead being brought out of their homes especially while their white neighbors are sitting comfortably on their front porches with a smirk on their face. Back to you Eugene.
Thank you Benjamin… Now over to our sports correspondent, Louie. Thank you Eugene. It has been a very active day in sports with unprecedented mutilation of players of all sports. This mutilation seems to be only affecting those that are of the protected minorities. For some reason, innocent minorities are playing their respective sport only to be attacked by white males carrying shotguns with NRA patches on their white hoods. These white males had Bibles in their hands while mutilating their victims. It has been said that Republicans are involved in this gruesome activity. Several award winning sports celebrities were killed on national television by someone carrying pro life leaflets while listening to talk radio. This anarchy must stop. (Whisper) Psssst, Eugene, tell the control room they are supposed to be playing sad music but someone hit the wrong button and now Madonna is playing. Back to you Eugene…
Thank you Louie for that insightful, informative, yet unbiased report. On behalf of the entire news room, I would like to thank you for choosing us for your news. We strive to be as balanced and informative with our reporting. Until tomorrow, good night everyone.
UPDATE: October 26, 2009
I originally posted this message yesterday and it was meant to be humorous. Even with that said, I read it a couple times and thought maybe I went a little over board on this post. Then I got up this morning and watched Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show. He was interviewing the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius about the Swine Flu. She was telling about this vaccine’s availability and his tone was absolutely inflammatory. He was putting words into her mouth and saying isn’t it true that by the time you can get this vaccine available that it will be too late? He speaks of over a thousand people nation wide having this disease. He fails to point out that in a country of more than 300 million people that is less than 1% of the people. It was his reporting of this as though it was the largest crisis the world has ever known that really bothers me. It is this very type of reporting that I am making fun of with this post. NBC, or MSNBC in my opinion does this worse than most. They are so bad in their reporting that it seems that they do not even make an attempt at appearing objective. I use to think it was CNN that was the worst but now I think NBC is hands down the winner in this hysteria type reporting. I just had to update this post and reaffirm my original feelings about this.
Tags: bias, editorial, News, scare tactics